Barbeques Consolidated Skateboarding and Piss...

I'm sorry to disappoint you blogfans, but this is going to be a very brief update in my otherwise fascinating day to day life due in no small part to the fact that I am knackered and have been really busy. That might sound like you're in for a bonanza bumper edition update but in reality I'm just tired so I can't be bothered. Sorry. I'll be sure to try harder next time...

In my defense, my previous mentioned sideproject is nearing its launch so if any of you wonderful people have unlimited interwebs access you should definitely log onto that there facebook and like writerstailblock.com which is totally and definitely going to rule.

Anyway, enough about that, I'll be pushing this harder than is probably wise in good time so you'll hear plenty about it soon enough...

This weekend saw the arrival of the Consolidated Team who stopped at Saffron Walden for the only English stop off in their European Tour and seeing as Saffron Walden is only about half an hour away I thought that it would be rude not to turn up and stand around watching. Especially as Zorlac phoned me up earlier in the week to say that he was sorting it out and that he was going to put on a barbeque. And everyone loves barbeques.

What I didn't realise at the time was that when he said "I'm doing a barbeque" he actually meant "you're going to be doing a barbeque..." For everyone...

Here I am cooking a load of mystery meat for a load of skateboarding people ably assisted by Leticia from Consolidated. If you got the shits and you think it was from something you ate at the weekend, it was definitely something she cooked and nothing, nothing at all to do with me.

Zorlac checked in on the systematic charcoaling of meat discs then left me to get on with it.

Steak brought some Steak. Look how stoked he is.

Toby came down from Derby long enough to tell me how shit this blog is (sorry mate) then made me pose like a gladiator with my barbeque shield.

Cundall showed up and treated all the females and gays in the vacinity to a treat the likes of which they won't have ever seen by taking his shirt off and displaying his frankly jawdropping physique and dicktingling collection of home made body art improvements.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like this?

Popeye...

The excitement of the day got too much so he had to nip behind a shed for a little wee wee with a shirt on his head as a disguise.

Fraser, who incidently, still isnt my son, came down from Derby with Toby and Mrs Toby, to check out the skate demo. As previously mentioned though, 50% of all skateboarding is sitting around in carparks either talking about, or waiting for skateboarding to start. As for the rest 10% is actually skateboarding and the rest is just weed, cobras and tigers...

I am reviving the frankly slept on combo of Pombears and Lucozade which is the perfect antidote to hangovers and slightly unsettled stomachs from eating partially defrosted sausages and burgers cremated on the outside and raw in the middle.

Mrs Toby bought him a magazine that had this frankly amazing double page spread of various animals bumming each other. If you'll remember, I wrote an animal blog about them bumming each other months ago so I am officially ahead of the journalistic curve. Mark my words, in a few months, everyone'll be banging on about cream teas, laybacks and barbeques...

Fraser got inspired by the magazine and convinced Cundall to give him a gobble.

Then Cundall pissed himself when he saw...

...my new trick. Which doesn't involve putting a hand down on the coping. In even more mystifying news, I have managed to learn a new flip trick. Footage soon, depending on whether or not My Mate Adam has taken it off his camera. If he has, then you'll just have to take my word for it because I'm not 100% I can do another one...

Oh and I got a new job by the way. Its smashing and I'm having a lovely time.

Not sure what the next ones going to be about but it'll probably be awesome and could well be about Delores, who came back and banged out a couple of eggs so we're due some scrawny ratchicks any day now...

Until next time...

Burton, Gays and The Ugliest Chick Alive...

Holy bloody shitcakes, by some weird twist of fate in the internets, I've managed to collect as many followers as posts... In celebration of this milestone, I have decided to step up my blogging game and enlighten you lovely folk, (Cockleg, Cunt and er...the other two), as to what Ive been up to (although to be fair, Cockleg and The Cunt were actually there for parts of it so I'm not sure at what stage this becomes weird...)

We had a lovely drive up to sunny Burton On Trent, the spiritual home of Marmite and Homosexuality for the Annual Burton Gay Off aka "The Funday"

Somehow, and Christ alone knows how, prizes were organised and I managed to spend an entire afternoon burning my neck and shouting at a field full of idiots with a megaphone. As I didnt get kicked to death by the prat who turned up dressed as a Panda, who then had to listen to me scream "GO ON PANDA!" as loud as possible through a megaphone every time I saw him, I can only assume that I didnt go far enough. Better luck next year. Cockleg won a shirt for doing his only trick,  I won a hat for doing my only trick and Jerome did all manner of things far too easily and got some wheels despite being a showoff...

Matt's One Trick (TM) with Weird Pandaman lurking in the background

MVP of the Gay Day Rad Jam was Smedbench. This is Smedbench. Do Not Meddle with him. He is 50% more manly than me, 100% more manly than Hitler and 150% more manly than a woman. This biological marvel makes him unbelievable on a skateboard, a fact that his nimble little feet proved throughout the day by landing every trick we shouted at him, first go, on demand: switch, regular, fakie and nollie. The guy is a hero and according to those in the know, will shortly be having a skateboard with his name and "Unabomber" written on it which I strongly recommend you buy. 

The Cunt couldnt take the pace on the way home and decided that the hardshoulder of the M1 was the best place to jump out of the car for a wee wee. Unfortunately I was in the outside lane at the time but noone wants a passenger seat full of recycled cider so out he jumped while we took a photo wondering what is the matter with him.

Celebrating the emerging theme of this post, behold the best skateboard graphic I have seen: yes, it really is a Unicorn pooing a rainbow thinking "Im soooo Gay"

Mrs Dickfingers is decidedly unimpressed about this one but theres no way I can't have this hanging on the wall... 

And the final update for today: the Satellite Dove, Delores, has hatched possibly the ugliest living creature known to humanity, Daisy, Satellite Dove v.2, looks like she's been built inside out but will be sure to appear in next weeks update, when she may or may not have feathers...

Stay tuned for the next update which may or may not include Doves, Bummers and Creamteas