Barbeques Consolidated Skateboarding and Piss...

I'm sorry to disappoint you blogfans, but this is going to be a very brief update in my otherwise fascinating day to day life due in no small part to the fact that I am knackered and have been really busy. That might sound like you're in for a bonanza bumper edition update but in reality I'm just tired so I can't be bothered. Sorry. I'll be sure to try harder next time...

In my defense, my previous mentioned sideproject is nearing its launch so if any of you wonderful people have unlimited interwebs access you should definitely log onto that there facebook and like writerstailblock.com which is totally and definitely going to rule.

Anyway, enough about that, I'll be pushing this harder than is probably wise in good time so you'll hear plenty about it soon enough...

This weekend saw the arrival of the Consolidated Team who stopped at Saffron Walden for the only English stop off in their European Tour and seeing as Saffron Walden is only about half an hour away I thought that it would be rude not to turn up and stand around watching. Especially as Zorlac phoned me up earlier in the week to say that he was sorting it out and that he was going to put on a barbeque. And everyone loves barbeques.

What I didn't realise at the time was that when he said "I'm doing a barbeque" he actually meant "you're going to be doing a barbeque..." For everyone...

Here I am cooking a load of mystery meat for a load of skateboarding people ably assisted by Leticia from Consolidated. If you got the shits and you think it was from something you ate at the weekend, it was definitely something she cooked and nothing, nothing at all to do with me.

Zorlac checked in on the systematic charcoaling of meat discs then left me to get on with it.

Steak brought some Steak. Look how stoked he is.

Toby came down from Derby long enough to tell me how shit this blog is (sorry mate) then made me pose like a gladiator with my barbeque shield.

Cundall showed up and treated all the females and gays in the vacinity to a treat the likes of which they won't have ever seen by taking his shirt off and displaying his frankly jawdropping physique and dicktingling collection of home made body art improvements.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like this?

Popeye...

The excitement of the day got too much so he had to nip behind a shed for a little wee wee with a shirt on his head as a disguise.

Fraser, who incidently, still isnt my son, came down from Derby with Toby and Mrs Toby, to check out the skate demo. As previously mentioned though, 50% of all skateboarding is sitting around in carparks either talking about, or waiting for skateboarding to start. As for the rest 10% is actually skateboarding and the rest is just weed, cobras and tigers...

I am reviving the frankly slept on combo of Pombears and Lucozade which is the perfect antidote to hangovers and slightly unsettled stomachs from eating partially defrosted sausages and burgers cremated on the outside and raw in the middle.

Mrs Toby bought him a magazine that had this frankly amazing double page spread of various animals bumming each other. If you'll remember, I wrote an animal blog about them bumming each other months ago so I am officially ahead of the journalistic curve. Mark my words, in a few months, everyone'll be banging on about cream teas, laybacks and barbeques...

Fraser got inspired by the magazine and convinced Cundall to give him a gobble.

Then Cundall pissed himself when he saw...

...my new trick. Which doesn't involve putting a hand down on the coping. In even more mystifying news, I have managed to learn a new flip trick. Footage soon, depending on whether or not My Mate Adam has taken it off his camera. If he has, then you'll just have to take my word for it because I'm not 100% I can do another one...

Oh and I got a new job by the way. Its smashing and I'm having a lovely time.

Not sure what the next ones going to be about but it'll probably be awesome and could well be about Delores, who came back and banged out a couple of eggs so we're due some scrawny ratchicks any day now...

Until next time...

The Derbydos Homosexual Skateboarding Display Team & Vernon Kay

When the phone rings and Toby "The Brock" Batchelor asks "Are you busy at the end of September? Do you want to MC at a game of skate?" saying "Yeah go on then" will probably have ramifications. Especially if you completely forget that youre meant to be doing it. 

Somehow, the people at Hooked Extreme Blog managed to get a corner of the Westfield centre in Derby (a 200 mile round trip from Dickfingers HQ) to host an invite only Game of Skate at their NUS Lock In type affair, which is presumably a glorified way to milk the student loans out of a bunch of tax dodging floppy hat wearing arsewipes. They had originally asked Toby to shout things over a megaphone but he wasnt really into the idea, hence recruiting me and after careful consideration I decided that at the very least it would make this blog more interesting that me sitting in my front room in my pants playing Xbox so ducked out of work early and began the drive to Derby. 

Craig "150% man" Smedley was there and was a good 15 years older than any other competitor. I love Smedley. Here we are with Toby, and me in my stinging Fourstar Cardigan (thanks to Crossfire and Revival Distribution *shameless plug*)

Fraser Doughty was also there competing and incidently he is not my son, despite what he might tell you to the contrary. Merry fuck only knows what he is wearing in this picture. I think it was a dare. Or maybe a joke that I'm too southern to understand. Either way he was holding it down in what could only be described as a wizarding shepherd's coat... Strange lad...

This was the set up for the whole deal: a rectangular patch of sticky laminate floor outside JD Sports and Marks & Spencer. Fuck you, The Berrics... 

Everyone knows that the best things in skateboarding are held in shopping centres with swarms of workshy fashion wankers dancing about to horrendous dance music playing 10 ft away...

Here I am being presented with my "loudspeaker." People that have met me will probably testify that I am more than likely the last person you should ever entrust a megaphone to. Fortunately for the student population of Derby and surrounding areas, the megaphone I was handed is the smallest I have ever seen. The megaphone that was in my car was bigger and louder but even that would have been drowned out by DJ Shit-taste blasting out "phat beatz" which sounded like the Pacman tune. Just as well really as I got bored talking about skateboarding and started taking the piss out of Fraser's Goat-herding jumper and Tom Balls fertility threatening trousers.

Despite the fact that no bugger could hear us, we decided that we werent going to let that stand in the way of carrying things off with a vague air of professionalism. We picked the names out of my flatcap. Can't get more professional than that...

We played "Rock Paper Scissors" although more than once there was some mild to moderate confusion and we had to start again. Here we can see Tom Ball listening carefully as I mumble my way through the explanation of a game known by almost every under 5 the world over.

Smedley took his shirt off and threw some maneuvers in a vest. He started landing tricks and throwing gangsigns as well. I love Smedley. 

As amusing as it is shouting obscenities at passing students and hollering at Skaters through a £5 Argos Megaphone, and believe me, it is amusing, there came a time when we had to have a rest. By rest I mean that we went freeloading as apparently there were shops giving away Apple Lanyards. Now, I should take the time to say that, If its free, I need it, so off we went in search of things to pile into my swagbag. Unfortunely there was bugger all to be had, so I made do with signing up to win things by grabbing a load of Quality Street wrappers inside a Hairdryer fuelled Shower Cubicle. 

Pre Grab: 

Mid Grab:

Post Grab: I didnt win but at least it breaks up the skating pictures for you... (You're welcome)

Unfortunately I couldnt stay in the cool refreshing shower cubicle and had to get back out again to shout at folk. I've got no idea why Toby is bending over here. Probably all the excitement. 

Look how satisfied he looks in this one. It must have been the bending over. 

More skating happened. People did tricks, other people didnt do them and eventually it came down to Craig Smedley and Jacob Bettison. Smed didnt make it after a series of close calls and Jacob won. Smedley didnt want his prize as it was a board over 7.5inches wide so I bought him a pint and a bowl of nuts and went home with it instead (the board, not Smedley)

There was a shortlived best trick comp for a Pink Element Board (oooooook) which Ballbag won with a half cab lateflip... I then signed it to potentially increase the value. Maybe.  

... and as if that wasn't enough, I even signed the Hooked Extreme Tshirt joining such luminaries as Lee Blackwell and Ben "As Much Use As Anne Franks Drumkit" Cundall. Ive arrived.

Vernon Kay was meant to show up to do a DJ set, however we finished at about 9 and were told that he wasnt going to get there before 11 and I'll be buggered if I was waiting around for two hours to see some lanky northern goit off the telly so buggered off to the pub to listen to Smedley talk about debt collectors and tricktip videos. Good times

All photos were taken by Mrs Brock who got a Press Pass especially and I'll post a video of the above shenanigans if I get a link. 

Next time: Something else. Can't wait can you? I thought not.

Salty Balloons, Paddling, Brock & The Hulk...

One week on from the UK Championships and the debacle of poo-sink and gay night, I have decided to make a concerted effort to increase the frequency of posts on here in a vain attempt to keep myself occupied. Having spent a large portion of the last 7 days hustling shoes and trying to track down a Fourstar Cardigan  I decided that the best thing to do would be to go paddling at Ashwell Springs, a very very cold, very shallow, yet still very cold spring. Now, I remember going to Ashwell Springs when I were a lad, and I swear that either I've either grown more sensitive in my advancing years or its got a shit load colder. I jumped in, stood just long enough to prove to a dopey little shithawk who was manlier (have that ratchild, bet you've not even seen a girl naked have you?) then jumped back out again before the shooting numbness of the shitting cold stretched any further up my shins... 

Unfortunately the little toerag got back in again so not to be outdone by someone without pubes, I followed suit and pretended it wasn't killing me. Thankfully he left to go and get his nappy changed or something like that and I commandeered my very own island. 

After a night of soft towels, hotwater bottles and internet explanations of the onset of Hypothermia, I woke up to find a missed call from The Hulk.  This in itself is odd as The Hulk only phones me after I have called him and the useless lummox usually waits about 24 hours to call back. The Hulk wanted to go for a skate (again, its not worth getting into how odd this is, its been about a year since I last skated with him) so collecting TBone, three blokes with a combined age of about 80, went to the Grange to tit about on kids toys... 

To our delight, the council must have been up there early to celebrate the imminent arrival of "The Random Goons (and me)" so decked the place out with balloons and although they didn't blow them up for us but its still the thought that counts... Thank You Letchworth...

A Celebratory Letchworth Balloon...

This is the Hulk: 

He is apparently called the Hulk after a security guard and jobsworth manager tried to throw him and Toby out of their carpark only to piss him off in the process and find themselves simultaneously pinned to the floor by their respective necks while the Hulk shouted "Calm Down" at them or something similar... In short, don't piss him off. 

Here he is, totally shredding the gnar and definitely definitely not posing a photo, we'll have none of that illegitimate bullshit on this blog thankyouverymuch...  

Tbone can be seen next to him, blown away by all the radical that the Hulk possesses and spurned on, did a Crooked grind off the end trying to avoid what we hope was only dog (and not human) poo that we covered up with a HulaHoops bag...

He then got all arty and Myspace and did a backtail just before I got a call from the copywrite people confirming that I do now own the rights to all "Longshot-Portrait-Moodysky-Skatephotos" 

We then went to the pub and walked past a man who let off the wettest sounding fart I have ever heard a human produce, only to wander off as if nothing had happened. Come to Letchworth, not only is it the worlds first Garden City and home to the first roundabout it also lays claim to flatulent Pensioners and is quite close to my house. What a place... 

Defying Toby's claims that I am the slowest Masticator in the World (steady) I also managed to eat a burger in a record 14 and a half minutes... Personal Best followers, personal best... 

After finishing my burger I went to my Mum & Dads house to check their post and burgle their freezer while they're on holiday only to find a dead rat outside. It reminded me of a dead pigeon I saw a little while ago so I thought I'd include them. 

If I find any more dead animals you can bet your arse that they'll be posted up here quick smart...

Next time: Kite flying (weather depending) and What Free Things Have I Managed To Hussle?

Blackfoot, The Gonz and Satellite Doves...

As predicted, the Fourstar Demo at Stoke was piss wet and consisted of nothing more than The Gonz arsing about in the weather doing boardslides in the wet. You have to marvel at skateboarding: there arent too many passtimes that you can justify driving a 6 hour round trip to watch a bloke you saw on the internet hang out in a park near a playground... Depending on your point of view it was either a rad day out or a very very long way to drive to watch an old man slide along a rail on an ironing board, but I guess it was better than sitting around doing nowt.

Toby decided to that to break the monotony of sitting in his van waiting for the 'Merrkans to turn up passing the time by making Fraser eat jam, we would go to the most council shopping centre in what was voted "Worst Place To Live In Britain" to have a cake. We saw a man eating Lasagne with Gravy and then proceeded to dick around until we started boring ourselves and left...

 

We went back to the carpark, and decided that because of the shitty weather we would waterproof Fraser's board, something that took him a good quarter of an hour to get rid of later...

I had a piss by the side of the road and Toby took a picture cause thats just the kind of guy that he is I suppose...


In other unrelated news: I went skating yesterday, tried a stinking trick to tail, of which I have many, and jumping off the board, managed to roll my toes. For those of you that are not involved in skateboarding in one way or another, rolling your ankle is a fairly common occurrence to skaters but I have never heard of anyone rolling their toes. Im not 100% sure how I managed it but thought that you'd all be excited to learn that it is indeed possible. Every day is a school day...


To end on two positive notes: firstly the Dove that nested behind my satellite dish last year has returned and laid an egg thereby ensuring that if all else fails I will definitely have something to report on here... 

and Cockleg from last weeks entry has decided to promote himself from "Casual Lurker" to 

"Fully Fledged Follower." Welldone Cockleg, tell both your friends... 

Next times exciting update to include "My Adventure In A Childs Maze," Interesting Things I Have Learnt Driving To Go Skateboarding" and "What Colour Is My Foot Today"...

Stay tuned...