Before we start I would like to say hello to all the disciples. Hello. I realised to my horror that I had lost one of you the other day so I didn't want to make it seem like I'm taking you for granted, I'm not, you're tops. Anyway, my frustration was shortlived as Former no 16 was quickly replaced so all is right with everything again and we can turn our back on Judas for ever more...
After a somewhat slow start to the year, based on my general lethargy, shit weather, a soul crippling job and a soon to be announced sideproject monopolizing a large portion of my already hectic schedule, there hasn't been a lot of time for me to get out and about and take photos of stupid things to write about on here. Maybe thats why "Judas" bailed, who knows? But to try and rectify this situation, Mrs Dickfingers, announced that we were spending Good Friday, walking around a musuem. After my initial trepidation at the thought of marching around endless corridors filled with old pottery and fountain pens, it turned out that the wonderful Mrs Dickfingers, knowing me as well as she does, had picked The Natural History Museum in Tring, which also happens to be one of the largest collections of Taxidermy open to the public. I could only have been more stoked if it was a Half Cab Exhibition. So packing my camera and fixing a grin on my face that wouldnt be out of place on a Sunshine Bus, we embarked on what I later discovered to be the Best Place In The World For Fans Of Stuffed Critters...
To give a brief overview of the Natural History Musuem in Tring, it was founded by some old chap called Rothschild who deftly avoided being classified as mental by "having a load of money" which allowed him to settle on "eccentric." So he poured a large portion of his not meagre fortune into cataloging the various weird and retarded creatures from the various far flung reaches of the world. He did this by peeling them and stuffing them with sawdust or something so that 100 years later I could scamper around like a window licker taking more photos than is probably wise while the missus walked 10 steps behind shaking her head...
Blogfans would probably recognise, correctly, that as impressive as "normal" creatures are, there's a special charm in the less than attractive, overlooked creatures that some mythical skyfairy allegedly decided to put together in a week before he had a sit down. As amazing as they are when they're alive and wandering around and humping each other, they're definitely definitely far better when someone has stuffed them and the only thing that beats that is when they've been stuffed by someone who has clearly never seen what the actual animal should look like.
Im pretty sure that these were in the category "Creatures Made From The Spares We Had Lying Around"
Look how stoked he looks...
This is called an Aye Aye. No shit. I think a Yorkshireman discovered them and to be fair, its probably not the worst looking thing to ever come out of Yorkshire...
The Long Tailed Ken Dodd Monkey...
I have absolutely no idea what the hell this is but I'm stoked on it nonetheless...
Some Bonkeyed Puffins...
The Manhead Crane... Look at the size of its Dome, its almost too heavy for its little neck. Massive.
A very startled owl.
Apparently if you get Monkeys really really stoned they're easier to peel...
If your sole occupation is peeling and mounting dead creatures for some rich bloke you'd probably have to get your kicks where you could so I would imagine that poking a little fish out of a bigger fish's mouth would get a right laugh from the Victorian genteel folk...
This is a Witch. Fuck knows why they had to have so many witchhunts back in the day, surely you'd be able to spot one of these in New England? There can't have been that many about...
A Toby Fish. I sent a picture of this to Toby and his reply was "did you shoot that?" Im not sure he was impressed at having his own fish. I would be stoked as hell if someone emailed me a picture of fish named after me. Whenever you lot are ready, Ill be happy to look through Fish Submissions...
Nature is disgusting. I cannot for the life of me work out why they would let anyone display a Mingesponge in public view. There wasn't even a sign to warn children there was a Mingesponge in the next cabinet. If I was a parent I'd rather not have to explain to my progeny about Minges or Sponges in the same sentence... although saying that I did spend a few minutes looking around in the hope that I could find a Dicksponge to laugh about as well...
I gave up the search for a dicksponge when I got distracted by this absolutely massive crab. Its legspan was something like 3 meters from end to end. Anything with that many long legs should be hit with a shovel, standard. If its got four times as many legs as eyes it shouldn't be trusted and should be shovelled as an immediate precaution... Same thing goes for moths. I fucking hate moths.
Manatees on the other hand are awesome. I saw a programme about a guy in Florida who drove down to the Keys every day to stand out on a jetty with a stiff haired broom and sweep the crap off of the back of the manatees. They loved it. Any creature that is so lazy that it will voluntarily swim out to something that could almost definitely kill and eat it, just so that it doesn't have to clean itself is something that I can support.
I'm not sure how lazy Elephant Seals are but they're huge and they look funny so I like them too, although if I had to guess I would suggest that anything weighing in at the Tonne mark would more than likely be a bit sluggish...
Wherever possible they try to display the animals in representations of their natural habitats so that we can get a really good idea of what they would have looked like before someone peeled them and stuffed them with sawdust.
This is a still life shot of the Bulbous Nosed Shelf Deer that perches quietly in the corner of rooms looking quite pleased with itself.
While the Sabre Toothed Rabid Deer looks like it might pretty much kill everything else in the world
A couple of Gay Kangaroos staring at each other's balls. Dirty Gay Kangaroos.
I found the creature that a large number of muppets must have been modelled on
Then found the cafe for the first cream tea of the year which was lovely despite the confused woman behind the counter trying to charge us for the same coffee three times.
In other news, the little feral bastards of Stotfold, not content with keying my car and stealing our bikes, decided that they'd pass the time with that friendly fun filled time passer: arson.
Nothing says Saturday evening fun like torching a transit van and shouting from a safe distance at the "cunts ruining it" or "firemen" as they're otherwise known.
Just to balance out the otherwise totally animal friendly blog, I went and shot a couple. Apparently though its quite difficult to peel and stuff your own museum when all you have are two moody wood pigeons so I decided to eat them instead. Except they were a bit fierce by this point so I threw them away, but the intention was there.
Next time: I'm continuing the theme of day trips and fun times and am going to Brussels with Mrs Dickfingers for a cultural investigation that ticks all the boxes: beer, waffles and me not being at work. Expect a thrilling international update soon when I may or may not have sorted my exciting side project out enough to actually explain what it is... I may also have sent an email to the lovely people at www.lippiselkbag.com who may or may not have sent me a lovely sleeping bag suit. I've already checked and I'm on the first page of Google so only time will tell...
Until next time...
