World Exclusive Premiere, A Guide to World Peace and The Long Awaited Return...

I knew it was only a matter of time but after a few short years and only a couple of thousand emails and forum posts, I, and by extension everyone that is living vicariously through this shit hot blog (so that would be you lovely readers), got invited to something. This monumentous occasion happened to be the first ever Vans video, a company that I am totally bent for anyway so it was a pretty foregone conclusion that I would be turning up to lurk, bro-down and see if there was any free stuff knocking about in equal measure... 

As I was retardedly excited at the prospect of being able to do something to allow me to avoid the crippling horror of another fucking minute at work, I decided to make the most of the day so arranged to meet Cockleg and Poosink at Mile End skatepark. The plan was to maximise the time available and all make the most of our surroundings. To Cockleg and Poosink, this meant jump around on skateboards doing tricks, where as I took the slightly more sensible alternative and stood around drinking street beers in between stealing goes on their boards when they weren't looking. This was a much better decision on my part as it meant that more I drank, the less I had to carry and I wouldnt have to worry about leaving my skateboard somewhere when I got appallingly rat-arsed later in the evening. This freed up a lot of time to stand around clutching my carrier bag full of Red Stripe taking blurry pictures of Cockleg skating the moody bowl in front of Vicki Pollard and the obligatory angry looking dog in a skatepark. Youre welcome.

Poosink took advantage of not being at nursery school or the childminders or whatever it is he does all day to play a nail biting edge-of-the-seat game of Head Shoulders Knees & Toes (Knees & Toes.) Then he had some warm milk and went for a lie down before he got overexcited...

Fellow flame haired plaid fan, Jerome from Shiner made the trip up from Bristol or Newport or somewhere like that to watch the film and have his picture taken in front of a great big sign only to turn up on here which surely justifies the 6 hour round trip...  

As if that wasn't awesome enough we bowed down to some subliminal messaging and went for a Chinese Buffet at the imaginatively named "Chinese Buffet" in Soho. Cockleg decided to pretend that the Prawns were trying to crawl into my ear while the Sidewalk Forums very own shouty letter answerer, Joe BEAR Habgood, swears uncharacteristically quietly in the background, shortly before paying for the most expensive glass of coke known to man. 

We retired to a bar on the Corner where Ben Powell, editor of Sidewalk Skateboarding took time out of his fully booked evening job as Fran Healy's body double, to educate me on the various different meanings of red shoe laces. According to his theory, I'm either a devastatingly hard cunt or a colour coordinated mincer, I couldn't decide so I'll leave it to the comments for you to argue amongst yourselves...

Surprising everyone, rotund Barbeque enthusiast, Head Boss of Vans and all round thoroughly nice chap, Steve Van Doren turned up against all expectations and gave a totally motivating and entertaining introduction to the film. Unfortunately he didn't fire up the grill and get round to cooking a selection of delicious treats for the fans... Keen blog followers will remember my pretty truimphant turn on the Vans Waffle stall at the UK Champs this year which on balance, proves that I do more than Steve Van Doren... Well done Steve... Nice one. 

Skate Premiers are the exact opposite to normal films, you go to a cinema with a load of other dudes, drink beer, and shout at the screen while throwing popcorn, skittles and if Habgood is there, pretty much anything he can get his hands on. The only thing stopping him carrying in the moody sweet and sour king prawns from the China Buffet was a lack of pocket space. I took time out of shouting at the screen and calling everyone in range a mosher or a homo to take a blurry pissed photo of the screen to really give you a feeling of what you missed...

Poosink was amazed at the thriving London hipster Fixie which is flourishing due to the almost limitless supply of jazzy clothed gaylords in London.

One half of Jedward turned up and was gutted Powley wouldn't give him a ticket so sat outside crying and wishing he had a fixie...

After the excitement of heading into this nations wonderful capitol, I had to return back to normal life. Fortunately for you, my normal life involves taking the piss out of things and posting about them on the internet to make myself feel better. Occasionally I worry about running out of things to take the piss out of which would surely result in me having to think about interesting and pleasant things to write about on here. That was until I discovered Mrs Dickfingers' kids marking. Mrs Dickfingers is a teacher (I'm not going to say where) and from time to time she gets so overwhelmed with marking that she passes it over to me to do. Payment for this is allowing me to take photos of the particularly special ones so that I can chuckle at them later:

"I allway think about one thing. why can't all the people live in the whole world with out names and no arquements and wars just live all toghether looking after each other !?" as sentiment I think we can all get behind...

One final thing before I draw this thrilling update to a close. Nearly a year after her departure my Prodigal Homing Satellite Dove V2, Dolores, has returned to case out her nest, presumably in preparation for getting fertilised and plopping out a couple more ugly ratty chicks. 

I'll keep you updated with news as soon as she settles down and squeezes anything out. You'll be the first to know, I promise. 

Next time: what I get up to in Brussels where I will be going for a cultural exploration...