Barbeques Consolidated Skateboarding and Piss...

I'm sorry to disappoint you blogfans, but this is going to be a very brief update in my otherwise fascinating day to day life due in no small part to the fact that I am knackered and have been really busy. That might sound like you're in for a bonanza bumper edition update but in reality I'm just tired so I can't be bothered. Sorry. I'll be sure to try harder next time...

In my defense, my previous mentioned sideproject is nearing its launch so if any of you wonderful people have unlimited interwebs access you should definitely log onto that there facebook and like writerstailblock.com which is totally and definitely going to rule.

Anyway, enough about that, I'll be pushing this harder than is probably wise in good time so you'll hear plenty about it soon enough...

This weekend saw the arrival of the Consolidated Team who stopped at Saffron Walden for the only English stop off in their European Tour and seeing as Saffron Walden is only about half an hour away I thought that it would be rude not to turn up and stand around watching. Especially as Zorlac phoned me up earlier in the week to say that he was sorting it out and that he was going to put on a barbeque. And everyone loves barbeques.

What I didn't realise at the time was that when he said "I'm doing a barbeque" he actually meant "you're going to be doing a barbeque..." For everyone...

Here I am cooking a load of mystery meat for a load of skateboarding people ably assisted by Leticia from Consolidated. If you got the shits and you think it was from something you ate at the weekend, it was definitely something she cooked and nothing, nothing at all to do with me.

Zorlac checked in on the systematic charcoaling of meat discs then left me to get on with it.

Steak brought some Steak. Look how stoked he is.

Toby came down from Derby long enough to tell me how shit this blog is (sorry mate) then made me pose like a gladiator with my barbeque shield.

Cundall showed up and treated all the females and gays in the vacinity to a treat the likes of which they won't have ever seen by taking his shirt off and displaying his frankly jawdropping physique and dicktingling collection of home made body art improvements.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like this?

Popeye...

The excitement of the day got too much so he had to nip behind a shed for a little wee wee with a shirt on his head as a disguise.

Fraser, who incidently, still isnt my son, came down from Derby with Toby and Mrs Toby, to check out the skate demo. As previously mentioned though, 50% of all skateboarding is sitting around in carparks either talking about, or waiting for skateboarding to start. As for the rest 10% is actually skateboarding and the rest is just weed, cobras and tigers...

I am reviving the frankly slept on combo of Pombears and Lucozade which is the perfect antidote to hangovers and slightly unsettled stomachs from eating partially defrosted sausages and burgers cremated on the outside and raw in the middle.

Mrs Toby bought him a magazine that had this frankly amazing double page spread of various animals bumming each other. If you'll remember, I wrote an animal blog about them bumming each other months ago so I am officially ahead of the journalistic curve. Mark my words, in a few months, everyone'll be banging on about cream teas, laybacks and barbeques...

Fraser got inspired by the magazine and convinced Cundall to give him a gobble.

Then Cundall pissed himself when he saw...

...my new trick. Which doesn't involve putting a hand down on the coping. In even more mystifying news, I have managed to learn a new flip trick. Footage soon, depending on whether or not My Mate Adam has taken it off his camera. If he has, then you'll just have to take my word for it because I'm not 100% I can do another one...

Oh and I got a new job by the way. Its smashing and I'm having a lovely time.

Not sure what the next ones going to be about but it'll probably be awesome and could well be about Delores, who came back and banged out a couple of eggs so we're due some scrawny ratchicks any day now...

Until next time...

European Exploration and a Relic from my Youth...

As avid blog fans will know by now, there is a list of things that I would rather do than be at my soulcripplingly shit job and it is a very very long list that covers various unhappy things including getting kicked in the pants and listening to Scouting for Girls but occasionally, when not inflicting groin achingly severe alternatives to sitting in a reclining chair pretending to be busy, I can actually do something pleasant to avoid sitting in the employ of a fat middle aged window licker with a speech impediment.

Like going to Belgium. 

Belgium is nestled right between France, Germany and that other place with all the hookers, dank and crusty hippies sitting in coffee shops . Unfortunately to get there you have to get up stupidly early in the morning to get on a train. 

After an obscenely early morning, its almost essential that you buy a coffee at the earliest opportunity and then spend the next few hours wondering what you would be doing "if you were at work" before moaning about how tired you are.

All this is quickly forgotten when you get to Belgium as, like most European cities with remarkably more liberal views on pretty much everything, there are loads of distractions. Like filthy streetwalking prostitutes... 

This might look like any ordinary Belgium Street, and in many respects you would be right to assume that, however if you look particularly closely at the wall right in the centre of the shot you can see a hooker. More specifically her leg. Thats a hooker leg. I would have got more of her but I couldnt get the camera out in time and Mrs Dickfingers told me it was bad form to chase after her because although she was wearing Hooker Boots and looked like she'd been rogered more times than a policeman's radio, there might be a chance that she wasn't a hooker and was just really fond of waiting on street corners. But she definitely was a hooker. I'm almost certain. 

They also have better unhealthy snacks. Like chocolatey waffles. 

Unfortunately they make you feel a bit grim after a couple so I tried my best to limit myself to one a day... 

One of the other bonuses of going abroad is being able to giggle like a spaz in a sweetshop at words that are completely innocuous to 99% of the people around. A glowing example of this can be found in the Dutch word for cream. Cream is added to quite a lot of things in Belgium which gave me ample opportunity to snigger at "Slagroom" on every menu we strolled past.

I would like to pretend that Slagroom was the only thing that amused me but I would be lying. I also found a skateshop with one of the best names of anything Dutch or otherwise: 

and got a bit pissed off that my GP isn't called Patrick Sweetlove...

However it would be a disservice to Antwerp if I were to flippantly dismiss it as nothing more than the home of Patrick Sweetlove and Harry Beaver. It is also full of old shit, some of which you can climb on. 

This is a statue of some naked guy that fucked up a giant who was charging people to cross a river. Apparently if you didn't pay the Giant he would cut your hands off. This nudist lad turned up and decided that he wasn't going to take any shit from the lanky bastard so lopped the Giants hand off instead. Then he threw it in the river. Im not really sure what the Giant expected to happen. Im not really sure why the Giant didn't step on him. Or kick him in the balls. He was a giant after all. If I was a giant I wouldn't take any shit from normal people, naked or otherwise. I guess it would be like answering the door and seeing a midget on the otherside standing there in the nip. As if that wouldn't freak you out enough, imagine if he jumps up and lops your hand off... You'd be livid wouldn't you? Exactly. I sometimes think we ran out of Giants before we ran out of really good stories involving Giants... 

Incredibly, the handless Giant isn't by any means the best Giant statue in Antwerp. Far from it. Theres this one too. 

Now, I'm no Giant expert, far from it, but I would say that in my humble opinion, this appears to be a Giant with two small people staring at his pants. 

Just to be sure I took a picture from almost every angle and it doesn't stop being awesome. 

It just keeps getting better...

This is a picture of me at the opera. Admittedly the tickets were free and I didn't understand a bloody word of it as they were singing in Russian with Dutch subtitles and my understanding of either of the languages stumbles somewhere after "hello" and "can I have a beer please" but it was free so I needed it and it was a thoroughly cultured and entertaining evening to befit my time in such a cultured and entertaining city.

The following day we went to Ruebenshaus or Ruebens House as its known in English. Ruebens painted fat lasses with their thri'pennies out. He loved the tubbies. Unfortunately the stroppy little woman in the house said I wasn't allowed to take photos inside the house just as I was about to take a picture of a fat lass with her thri'pennies out and I didn't want to piss her off as she was little and I was worried she might mistake me for a giant and cut my hand off. 

Belgium is famous for beer so I thought it would be culturally insensitive of me not to drink plenty of it. The problem with that otherwise flawless plan is that after about 3 you forget whats going on as they're basically fortified wines made by sadistic Belgium monks so any more than 4 and the world pretty much comes to an end and you stand quite a good chance of letting a little bit of wee and sick out. Maybe even at the same time.

Its quite pretty though, despite the freakish ginger children they try to bury in chocolate. 

They also eat horses out there but Mrs Dickfingers wasn't overly keen on the idea of me wasting money scurrying around trying to find somewhere that I could buy and eat Shergar so we settled on a compromise of tracking it down and eating it in France later. Either way, the thin legged delicious hooved bastards have got it coming... mark my words. 

In other news. SPT is a cock end for swearing at this righteous BDF mini.  

and contrary to popular belief, White Dog Shit is no longer a thing of the past and I found some whilst out for a walk. I would like to point out that I wasn't out on a walk looking for white dog shit, but it was definitely a lovely surprise when I found it. 

My totally incredible and definitely rad side project is nearing completion so expect an update about that soon by which time I could be the owner of a sleeping bag suit and potentially a new job. If the former happens, expect pictures, if the latter happens expect 3 years of built up frustration and bitchy comments to come flooding out like piss from a kidney... or something that comes out of something else quickly. Graham Norton and a cupboard? Spunk and Jordan? You get the idea...

Until next time...x

Another Fine Day Out and the Revival of the Dickfingers Wildlife Programme...

Before we start I would like to say hello to all the disciples. Hello. I realised to my horror that I had lost one of you the other day so I didn't want to make it seem like I'm taking you for granted, I'm not, you're tops. Anyway, my frustration was shortlived as Former no 16 was quickly replaced so all is right with everything again and we can turn our back on Judas for ever more... 

After a somewhat slow start to the year, based on my general lethargy, shit weather, a soul crippling job and a soon to be announced sideproject monopolizing a large portion of my already hectic schedule, there hasn't been a lot of time for me to get out and about and take photos of stupid things to write about on here. Maybe thats why "Judas" bailed, who knows? But to try and rectify this situation, Mrs Dickfingers, announced that we were spending Good Friday, walking around a musuem. After my initial trepidation at the thought of marching around endless corridors filled with old pottery and fountain pens, it turned out that the wonderful Mrs Dickfingers, knowing me as well as she does, had picked The Natural History Museum in Tring, which also happens to be one of the largest collections of Taxidermy open to the public. I could only have been more stoked if it was a Half Cab Exhibition. So packing my camera and fixing a grin on my face that wouldnt be out of place on a Sunshine Bus, we embarked on what I later discovered to be the Best Place In The World For Fans Of Stuffed Critters...

To give a brief overview of the Natural History Musuem in Tring, it was founded by some old chap called Rothschild who deftly avoided being classified as mental by "having a load of money" which allowed him to settle on "eccentric." So he poured a large portion of his not meagre fortune into cataloging the various weird and retarded creatures from the various far flung reaches of the world. He did this by peeling them and stuffing them with sawdust or something so that 100 years later I could scamper around like a window licker taking more photos than is probably wise while the missus walked 10 steps behind shaking her head...

Blogfans would probably recognise, correctly, that as impressive as "normal" creatures are, there's a special charm in the less than attractive, overlooked creatures that some mythical skyfairy allegedly decided to put together in a week before he had a sit down. As amazing as they are when they're alive and wandering around and humping each other, they're definitely definitely far better when someone has stuffed them and the only thing that beats that is when they've been stuffed by someone who has clearly never seen what the actual animal should look like. 

Im pretty sure that these were in the category "Creatures Made From The Spares We Had Lying Around"

Look how stoked he looks...

This is called an Aye Aye. No shit. I think a Yorkshireman discovered them and to be fair, its probably not the worst looking thing to ever come out of Yorkshire... 

The Long Tailed Ken Dodd Monkey... 

I have absolutely no idea what the hell this is but I'm stoked on it nonetheless...

Some Bonkeyed Puffins... 

The Manhead Crane... Look at the size of its Dome, its almost too heavy for its little neck. Massive.

A very startled owl.

Apparently if you get Monkeys really really stoned they're easier to peel...

If your sole occupation is peeling and mounting dead creatures for some rich bloke you'd probably have to get your kicks where you could so I would imagine that poking a little fish out of a bigger fish's mouth would get a right laugh from the Victorian genteel folk...

This is a Witch. Fuck knows why they had to have so many witchhunts back in the day, surely you'd be able to spot one of these in New England? There can't have been that many about...

A Toby Fish. I sent a picture of this to Toby and his reply was "did you shoot that?" Im not sure he was impressed at having his own fish. I would be stoked as hell if someone emailed me a picture of fish named after me. Whenever you lot are ready, Ill be happy to look through Fish Submissions...

Nature is disgusting. I cannot for the life of me work out why they would let anyone display a Mingesponge in public view. There wasn't even a sign to warn children there was a Mingesponge in the next cabinet. If I was a parent I'd rather not have to explain to my progeny about Minges or Sponges in the same sentence... although saying that I did spend a few minutes looking around in the hope that I could find a Dicksponge to laugh about as well...

I gave up the search for a dicksponge when I got distracted by this absolutely massive crab. Its legspan was something like 3 meters from end to end. Anything with that many long legs should be hit with a shovel, standard. If its got four times as many legs as eyes it shouldn't be trusted and should be shovelled as an immediate precaution... Same thing goes for moths. I fucking hate moths. 

Manatees on the other hand are awesome. I saw a programme about a guy in Florida who drove down to the Keys every day to stand out on a jetty with a stiff haired broom and sweep the crap off of the back of the manatees. They loved it. Any creature that is so lazy that it will voluntarily swim out to something that could almost definitely kill and eat it, just so that it doesn't have to clean itself is something that I can support. 

I'm not sure how lazy Elephant Seals are but they're huge and they look funny so I like them too, although if I had to guess I would suggest that anything weighing in at the Tonne mark would more than likely be a bit sluggish... 

Wherever possible they try to display the animals in representations of their natural habitats so that we can get a really good idea of what they would have looked like before someone peeled them and stuffed them with sawdust. 

 

This is a still life shot of the Bulbous Nosed Shelf Deer that perches quietly in the corner of rooms looking quite pleased with itself. 

While the Sabre Toothed Rabid Deer looks like it might pretty much kill everything else in the world 

A couple of Gay Kangaroos staring at each other's balls. Dirty Gay Kangaroos. 

I found the creature that a large number of muppets must have been modelled on

Then found the cafe for the first cream tea of the year which was lovely despite the confused woman behind the counter trying to charge us for the same coffee three times. 

In other news, the little feral bastards of Stotfold, not content with keying my car and stealing our bikes, decided that they'd pass the time with that friendly fun filled time passer: arson. 

Nothing says Saturday evening fun like torching a transit van and shouting from a safe distance at the "cunts ruining it" or "firemen" as they're otherwise known. 

Just to balance out the otherwise totally animal friendly blog, I went and shot a couple. Apparently though its quite difficult to peel and stuff your own museum when all you have are two moody wood pigeons so I decided to eat them instead. Except they were a bit fierce by this point so I threw them away, but the intention was there.  

Next time: I'm continuing the theme of day trips and fun times and am going to Brussels with Mrs Dickfingers for a cultural investigation that ticks all the boxes: beer, waffles and me not being at work. Expect a thrilling international update soon when I may or may not have sorted my exciting side project out enough to actually explain what it is... I may also have sent an email to the lovely people at www.lippiselkbag.com who may or may not have sent me a lovely sleeping bag suit. I've already checked and I'm on the first page of Google so only time will tell...

Until next time...