A Christmas Shrub, Shooting, Lunchbreak and Torture...

And I'm back... Brock, you can piss off, this blog isn't dropping off, how very dare you. I'm pleased to report that after the last time we have reached the giddying heights of 14 vaguely interested fans. Well done people, I'm very proud of you all for finally recognising the merits of reading about the random shit that I have been getting up to and you should all be very happy that you have helped me become 15% betterer than Jesus... I couldn't have done it without you. Give yourselves a pat on the back and hang in there: you're awesome

As you will probably be aware, Christmas is creeping ever closer and that means that I have recently had to set aside a day to decorate Dickfingers HQ and by "set aside a day" I mean "start decorating in between checking the internet, drinking tea and playing xbox until Mrs Dickfingers gets the hump and finishes it herself." Mrs Dickfingers hates this time of year as it is also an excuse for me to move Hank into a more prominent position. 

This is Hank. 

Hank is my Christmas Owl. I bought him 2 years ago after seeing him whilst skulking around a Garden Centre looking at decorations. I thought he was amazing 2 years ago and I have not changed my mind in the time since. The same could be said for the lovely Mrs Dickfingers: she's been dead against him from the start and I was told in no uncertain terms that I was forbidden to buy him which with 2 years of hindsight, probably wasn't the best thing to say. Hank can be seen above in his Christmas hat. Obviously this is what he wears for the Christmas Season and you and everyone else would assume that he would be put away after the Christmas period has expired. However I am stubborn. Stubborn and stupid. And stubborn and stupid is a pretty fatal combination when trying to argue your case without sounding like a spoilt child, so much so, that I decided not to put him away until next Christmas. Instead I came up with a better, alternative idea: pop a little Summer hat on him and let him wear that for 11 months until Christmas rolls around again and he can take pride of place next to the other decorations. Suffice it to say, like so many of my additions to the interior decoration of Dickfingers HQ: Mrs Dickfingers hates it and I am forever left wondering, not only how I managed to keep a girlfriend as tolerant to my shit as she undoubtedly is but more surprisingly how I managed to convince her going out with me would be a good idea in the first place. If anyone knows why I feel the neverending urge to wind her up so much please let me know as I'd love to hear other theories... 

Fast forward to today when we found ourselves at the very same Garden Centre, looking at decorations when Mrs Dickfingers uttered the challenge "...and don't even think about buying another stupid bloody owl..." and before you know it, Dickfingers HQ welcomes Esteban, the Snow Owl and I am right back wondering why I must continually push my luck... 

I would like to say that this will be the last Owl addition to Headquarters but that really depends on whether or not I squabble with Mrs Dickfingers within range of a Garden Centre and decide to spend £2.49 that could jeopardise my relationship and living arrangements... Time will tell and you'll be the first to know.

I would like to take the time to say that this is not a one sided arrangement and I don't spend my time dictating to Mrs Dickfingers what is and isn't going to be happening in our lovely little flat. Take our Christmas tree for example... For the last few years we have had a fairly respectable fake tree that stood in the corner of the room and as far as I was concerned did the job perfectly. In a casual throwaway conversation the subject of this years Christmas Tree was raised and I quickly vetoed the idea of a real tree on the grounds of it being too much hassle to clear up afterwards having spent 6 months at my previous flat carefully removing pineneedles from the underside of my feet. Thinking this was the end of it (my first mistake) I gave the idea no further thought until I received a phonecall from Mrs Dickfingers telling me that she had got a new tree. A "real" one. 

Assuming the worst, I expected a shitting massive great thing with millions of pointy little spears just waiting to find their way into my naked feet. What I didnt expect, was Stumpy.

Now, noone wants to hear "size isnt everything" but when you have to put 3/4 of your decorations back in the loft because the tree isn't strong enough to support them, you really need to reevalulate but I'm pretty sure that Stephen Hawking's legs are stronger than our tree. Next year I have stipulated that if we are having a real one, and something tells me that we probably will, then we're getting a decent sized one. Although saying that Stumpy is still growing so there may be an update in a years time to let you know how far we've come... 

In other news, I am still in the process of getting my Shotgun Licence and have a meeting this week to convince the fine folk of the Bedfordshire Police that I am not a psycho and/or an irresponsible spastic. Obviously this pretty powerful blog, as awesome as it is, and the Dickfingers Collection of Fine Art (or has others have quite astutely dubbed it: a load of pictures with dicks on em...) will be hidden until the Police are well up the road but I think that providing I remember to put trousers on and not talk about how great that bit in Rambo is when he peels that guy with the minigun, there's very little that can go wrong... Hopefully...

I think I should end this post with some videos so please find below what could well be the best examples of getting mugged off. One shows how to do it yourself, the other is assisted. The first features Ben Cundall and the other victim is Dibble. Both of these are amazing for very different reasons but I am stoked on both of them so thought I would share them and urge you to hang out with either of these guys as you will not be disappointed. 

More Skateboarding >>

Thats it for today, I might change the format for the next update depending on your response: Post a comment on whatever topics you would like to feature on here and I will carry out an investigative type report and get back to you. Maybe. In all likelihood, I'll get bored and pretend this never happened... We'll see.  

Before I forget: if any of you work or have relatives that work for Apple, some lightfingered theiving nabbing bastard has stolen my Ipod touch... so... er... its Christmas and I'd like another one. I'll wait to hear back from you real soon so I can send you my delivery address. That'd be super.